1. |
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I got a hippopotamus for Christmas
just like I've always wanted.
I got a hippopotamus for Christmas
and that's when the trouble started
Teacher said that hippos are vegetarian
but I guess she didn't know
that hippos are among nature's most violent animals
aggressive and territorial
I named my hippo Sugar
but she's not so sweet
She chased us out of the living room
and on to the street
We only had time to grab a couple of our things
because the hippo was so mad
I'm so glad I saved my favorite baby doll
but I'm gonna miss my dad.
We called the fire department
We texted animal control
We sent a fax to the National Zoo
They said "You're on your own."
(They got a what?
For Christmas,
Like that song?
Well, how did they even get it in the door?
Christmas magic?
Well, I don't know what to do
This is worse than that time that guy got his girlfriend all those birds.)
H-I-P-P-O!
I got a hippopotamus for Christmas
It's like the old saying
"Be careful what you wish for"
Cause I got a hippopotamus for Christmas
and I don't believe in Jesus anymore
Now my brand new toys all lay broken on the floor
Along with my slowest siblings
Next time someone asks me about my favorite holiday
I'm gonna say Thanksgiving
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2. |
Christmas as Fuck
03:02
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So, I see you're into Christmas now
and I guess that's pretty cute
I remember when I found out about
Santa Claus and Rudolph too
Gotta check out that old pagan shit
it's what real Christmas is all about
Honestly, once Jesus Christ gets involved
that's when Christmas got sold out
Go ahead and string up white lights in your windowpane
You wanna compare lengths of our candy canes?
You're gleaming white and shiny
as a new Hess truck.
Trim every branch of your blessed tree
And sing Dahoo Doris so tenderly
Yeah, that's pretty Christmas
but I'm Christmas as fuck.
You throw on Mariah Carey
the minute the snow starts falling
I've been hanging out since June
with bootleg tapes of Vince Guaraldi
"Oh, the decorations go up too early"
You can tell it to the empty sky
I dressed up as Krampus for Halloween
Heatmiser for the 4th of July
Oh, hang up stockings on your fireplace
Get hot cocoa all over your face
If you wanna out-Christmas me
You're out of luck
Buy the wreath with the biggest hole
Move your whole family to the North Pole
Yeah, that's pretty Christmas
I guess that's pretty Christmas
But I'm Christmas as fuck.
I've got elves on all of my shelves
Halloween can go fuck itself
Weren't you just posting "spooky szn" memes
on Facebook?
You can drink eggnog all year if you wanna
Parachute off the top of Nakatomi Plaza
When Santa comes around
tip him fifty bucks
Ma in her kerchief and you in your cap
Gonna fill your whole house with booby traps
Yeah, that's pretty Christmas
I guess that's pretty Christmas
For a beginner, that's pretty Christmas
but I'm Christmas as Fuck
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3. |
Wet Bandit's Lament
02:20
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Here is the true meaning of Christmas
Writ in bruises all over my body
They say "Joy is in the smiles of the little children"
They haven't seen the smiles that I've seen
Scrooge gets his spirits
The Pumpkin King can make his amends
Even the Grinch is allowed
To repent, to repent
Oh, but I am an animal
Whose change is kept from him
I am a filthy animal
Keep your change
Let me, just once, have my silver tuna
On some far off, distant Christmas morning
Let me one day find my Elysian fields
A bounty greater than even I could steal
Let me wake one Christmas to a golden dream
Of silver and china and socked away cash, please
VCRs and high-end goods and jewelry
And mothers who can count their goddamn kids correctly.
Oh, I am an animal
Whose change is kept from him
I am a filthy animal
Keep your change
Keep your change
I am an animal
You can keep your change.
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4. |
Just Like Christmas
03:44
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